The Antidote

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Drugs are good. Drugs are our mates!

The funny thing about drugs is: they don´t actually work. At least not the way they are expected to. I mean: life is grey, dull and boring. And drugs are supposed to be UBER. Yeah well, still searching.

One of the worst things I know… I mean: heard of… is being on a coke come down. You can´t really sleep. You are fragile, sensitive, not paranoid but you can´t stand disapproval. Or in hippie-terminology: You need someone to hug you, without prejudice. No judging. Sometimes it lasts for days. That´s the only disadvantage of coke, well… and drugs in general: the come down.

On a meta-layer of experience: I tried a lot in my days. But I was never able to reach for the lasers, touch the sun. It still was: dull. Usually it is around 4 a.m. when I quit. I start drinking water or redbull instead of beer. Don´t need another bump. It´s not that I do not want to. I do. But I feel: That´s the peak. There is no more. Even with the best drugs in the world, I wouldn´t be able to reach the maximum. Fucking hell! What´s wrong with me? Where´s the fucking edge for Pete´s sake?!

Meta experience as well: The other night we came home from heavy partying, my last line was like two hours ago, had a beer, had another joint nothing too big. I popped some Mirtazepan to have at least some sleep but eventually I woke up around 9. Tried to sleep for another hour. No way. Got up. Grabbed my stuff and sneaked off. Went to friends of mine where I was supposed to stay that weekend. No. No coffee please. Thank you. Got a toast, some water. No, please. Don’t look me in the eyes. Man, was I down! Do they realize what´s going on here? Do they know? Fuck.
I mean: I was the best, peaceful, endearing person ever. Little insecure, but still. That is the bright side though: you are the absolute opposite of an asshole in those moments.

My little one did not have a good afternoon nap. She was lying on the floor crying. Her mommy, her daddy, her brother: nobody was able to calm her down. She was just lying there, crying. She´s only 15 months. I took her. Held her in my arm…all of sudden she was quite, calming down. That felt good, to be honest. I mean, couple of hours I was on heavy drugs big time. And now there´s a little one that trusts me. Trusts me enough to calm her down. Okay, maybe it was the scent of beer and hops from my hoodie…but still.

Later on I took her and my tall one to a playground. Lots of children there, parents. But cool parents. Parents the way I want to be – later. That was the best come down ever. That really got me down to earth. I just took care of them. They wouldn´t judge me.

Did I put those kids to a risk? I mean, I am a good person, always have been. But no human being with just a hint of responsibility would give a child to someone who´s been partying just a couple of hours ago, right?

On the other hand, the moments I behaved in the worst ways, I was drunk (…and in the company of other grown-ups, no little ones around). But a whole lot of parents gets pissed right next to their children. That´s way worse.

Children – just awesome. Best trip ever