LoboToMe

He should apologize. He messed up. He was mean to everyone, even to the friends who cared about him. He was just offending every single person near to him.

He was completely stressed out. He couldn´t sleep at night, and didn´t want to be awake during the day. There was never actual stress. More the opposite – too much going on in his head. To deal with the “pain”, to sleep at night and to stand the days, he´d rather took the help of painkillers than of his friends. For weeks, the days started with one tiny little drink, just to stay calm, followed by some painkillers. Stuff like Valoron, stuff that is a real relief, hence it switches ones brain off. All basic functions are still there: everything works perfect, but you feel nothing, no breeding about anything anymore. A nice, quiet peace; like an instant, acute lobotomy. Nothing to get one into sleep, but after some sips of wine or anything about 30% one at least slept for five maybe six hours.

He didn´t care about anyone. When he was visiting friends, it was like an permanent ongoing offence- Stuff that people made almost cry. Weeks after weeks. With no reason. Only because he couldn´t cope with himself. The more stress-free the days were, the more he got stressed, the more he hurt his environment. There was no patience, no sympathy, no calmness.

I mean, he can deal with things like that. He knows this wouldn´t last forever. This could not last forever. The thing with chemical life enhancement is, it is only a buffer. It's built; it just needs to run now. Some day it will get you. The longer it lasts, the harder it will hit you. Everything that comes up, must come down. The only thing one can do is try to deal with the “when”.

The weeks are hard, but the weekends are real tough ones. If one has a more than average high level, one has to work really hard to push this level further. That means real hard work – no fun at all. After he messed up three weekends in a row, he knew it was time. The other weekend we partied so hard, that he woke up in Radebeul, not finding his underwear and missing the start to a marathon. Having a reunion that really sucked framed by three days of real hard partying. They had an inauguration-party at home, with weird things going on: crying Canadian girls, broken mirrors, guys with “friendship-knifes” and total blackouts. There is no joy in it. He knew it was about time.

If you work in this ways, and you know you have to end it, you first have to want it. One won’t stop until one is disgusted and repulsed by oneself. There is no way out, until one say, no I don´t want it. No more chemical enhancement, no more meanness. But the coming down will hit one really hard. One only can create an environment in which it doesn’t affect the everyday life. Like holydays. So he spent almost ten days amongst people who were actually sick. People who weren´t able to choose anymore. Among the blind the one-eyed is king. Tough one anyway.